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 Grief (Page 1)
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| Author | Topic: Grief |
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Stamm44 Moderator Posts: 63 |
posted 07-30-2000 07:30 PM
  
Share your thoughts about coping with grief, exchange tips for explaining death to a child, or provide insight into the pros and cons of grief therapy. |
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dbrownuu Member Posts: 6 |
posted 09-02-2000 12:41 AM
In my 40 years experience as a minister, the single most important ingredient in handling grief is the intimate network (or lack of it) which is available to those suffering grief. There is an urgent need on the part of most people to talk about their loss with others they love and trust. Professional grief counseling with a stranger is, I believe, less effective, but certainly far better than nothing. I also have doubts about how comforting, really, are beliefs about an afterlife. What the sufferer needs most of all is simply to have their pain heard and acknowledged. |
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Stamm44 Moderator Posts: 63 |
posted 09-02-2000 03:15 PM
quote: DBrownuu, i agree that belief in the afterlife is not the immediate concern of those grieving for someone who has just died, though it may be of some comfort. Our family is largely German-Irish Catholic, and the custom among family and friends in the larger culture is for funeral home visits to be a social occasion in which the family members of the deceased are surrounded by family and friends, often over food in a side room at the funeral home or in a family home, in which they talk about the deceased and generally remember the good times. People cry sometimes, but generally, death is something you expect to have to deal with. |
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pedirnkp Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-10-2000 11:11 PM
As a nurse and now as a bereaved mom, I think that grief, death & dying issues in this country are greatly underappreciated and understood. I still have people asking me, "How long did it take you to get over Eric's death?" From the initial notification, through to the funeral home, insurance hassles, legal stuff, and the grief process- which is lifelong- I have learned more than I was ever taught in nursing school. Unfortunately, I am now much better prepared to help other families through this devastating experience. I am speaking to medical personnel, police, EMS-- telling all that I have learned. Unfortunately, it is hard to convince medical schools, police academies and the like that learning compassionate communication-- learning to LISTEN, both to verbal and non-verbal information from the patient and family is worth their time investment. Our local med. college offers 9 hours of classtime with regards to talking to patients about death. That is 9 hours total- all within the first year! I will find a way to devote myself full-time to this endeavor. I have great motivation! |
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pedirnkp Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-10-2000 11:14 PM
By the way- I can tell you that nearly every parent I have spoken with (literally thousands) have concerned themselves with the possibility of afterlife. They get great comfort in believing that their child is able to communicate with them- that they still feel their parent's love. Do not underestimate that! I agree that statements like "They are in a better place." are totally inappropriate--- but at some point it seems that people do concern themselves with the big "What comes after?" question. |
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TequilaRose New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-10-2000 11:47 PM
I agree that acknowledgement of ones grief is paramount, even if by a stranger when family members have chosen not to be available. People need to get to that point where we can be there for people who are in the pain of grief and look at it and not turn away, no matter how much pain & sorrow is present. We have got to stop turning away from the tears and allow those who are grieving to just feel what they are feeling instead of pressuring them to "get over it". This is the attitude that I faced from family members, friends and the community at large. As for spirituality, for me it has been a life-saver. I can't think of anything more inspiring to me than my belief that there is a "higher life" beyond this one where those that I have loved & lost will be there, waiting for me. How depressing to think that when this body dies, there's nothing. |
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pugnose56 Member Posts: 4 |
posted 09-10-2000 11:49 PM
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pugnose56 Member Posts: 4 |
posted 09-11-2000 12:03 AM
I guess I was sort of shocked to hear you, as a minister, say you doubt how a belief in an afterlife is really a comfort for those of us dealing with the death of a loved one. I don't say this judgmentally at all. I'm very curious, however, what led you to doubt it? I really struggle with my own beliefs about this topic...is there a heaven and hell, how does God decide who goes where, etc. I have tried hard to believe in the Christian God but my skepticism absolutely bars me from having blind faith. My brother died one year ago and to the best of my knowledge, he died an agostic. Sometimes when I think of him, the thing that causes me the most distress is not knowing where is spirit is. I talk to him, pray to him, but does he hear me? Is dead really just dead...a state of nothingness? It leaves me feeling very empty and sad. I think it would be of a great comfort to me to believe that he is enjoying an afterlife and that he, somehow, knows how much he is missed and loved. It seems to me at this point, I will never have the comfort of believing and knowing in my heart that I will one day see him again.
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jean Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-11-2000 01:18 AM
I read your comment about the loss of your brother and the wondering where his spirit is. I found it ironic because you could have been my husband writing the same thing 35 years ago. I discovered after his death, his "arguments with God" that belied his atheism. I think you need to look futher than the "Christian" God. You need to look to Life. My husband's spirit is at peace. I, too, am sceptical of the traditional heaven and hell. I quit praying years ago because it was a waste of time and guaranteed to fail. But when my husband died some strange things happened. His friends knew it before it was announced. In a sense, he left on the wind. So when I visit with him, it is in those places we loved. Return to those quiet places that you and your brother shared, and you may find him. This may seem strange but when the wind blows and the leaves don't move,it is a kiss from the afterlife. |
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Jvabean Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-11-2000 02:52 AM
The show this evening was stirring. I identified with the wife of the dying doctor who felt like she was in a car going down a hill with no breaks and no way to stop it. My mother has a genetic neurological brain disease for which there is no cure. She is dying piece by piece and it is robbing her of precious, necessary parts of herself. Her memory, her thought processing, decision making, ability to be independent (which she is no longer). Uncontrollable body movements. It's feels like we are also in that car with no brakes. Worse yet it doesn't threaten only her life but those of us her four kids. Well, I did for 4.5 years anyway until I could not take another day of waiting and wondering if I would be next and die too. Three months of intensitve testing later I tested negative and do not carry the gene. Seeing and watching their own pain and struggle understanding it all too well. Loving them right where they are. Watching mom dying trying to accept each change and loss. I mourn them all - all over again with each new one. Grief isn't tidy is it? It isn't a neat package. It has it's own agenda and it will never be just the exact same as anothers. We are unique and have as I like to say our own set of lenses with which we look through. Then the goal isn't to try our glasses on another but to help them see through their own in a way that is meaningful to them. I am learning a lot about grief through my own. It fine tunes life, weeds out a lot of fluff and tells you what matters. It also teaches me that though I do not have my mother's disease that it does not mean I will not have something else or die. It means that I have looked at death up closer than others and it has challenged me personally and as I watch mom die and others who I love with this disease I will pray the guilt will not hang like a cloud over me as it has and that I can make it through. This show already in one episode is helping to pull the reality of mom right now out of the drawer I have stuffed it in and to look at it honestly. There was some peace in that. Ironically I had training as a hospice volunteer and have sat by others bedsides as they were near death. But this one hits just right in the deepest parts. There's did too, still, they weren't mom. Had to just kind of talk it out. Thanks. Julie |
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Janet Shoemaker New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-11-2000 07:09 AM
You could do another whole program on grief alone. It is not dying that people can't deal with, it's grief. Having lived through my father's death from cancer at 64 I found much to identify with in the program. But living through my daughter's accidental death from a fall at 19 is a whole different thing. As dreadful as it was, my father was kept comfortable and there was time for him to say his goodbyes, all of us to come to terms with his death and do some of our grieving beforehand. When my daughter died, I found myself as grief director, comforting other people. In addition, the second year is worse than the first. People think you are okay. On the other hand, I still want to talk about my child as part of my life as any parent would. There should be a book of guidelines that funeral directors can hand out to friends. Grief in these circumstances is damn near disabling. |
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elfling Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-11-2000 07:49 AM
Pugnose, I felt the need to respond to your message. I can understand how empty and sad it would leave you, not knowing where your brother's spirit is, wondering if death is really just a state of nothingness. There are some exquisite answers in these posted messages. If you feel drawn to do so, do walk where you have walked with him, be in your sacred places special to the two of you. You will hear him if you listen, as Jvabean so beautifully expressed. Many of us keep questioning, leaving little silence for the answers. Julie's lovely words were equally inspiring: "The goal isn't to try our glasses on another, but to help them see through their own in a way that is meaningful to them." I am a minister also, Pugnose56, and I have had clinical death. I saw where all who have had a natural death go and it is beyond words how beautiful it is and how embraced by unconditional love we are there (and here). I cannot wait to go back; I just have things to finish here first, as do we all. We are not just physical bodies and we do not HAVE a soul. We ARE soul and are inhabiting bodies while here on earth to learn, complete, and temper the metal so we can return to where we began. Why would we just be here to take up space? Why would some people just have one life filled with pain and barely any joy? I trained more than a decade ago with hospice and stayed with hundreds of patients and families through deathings for nine years. It is the ultimate honour and privilege to be invited to share one of the most sacred, intimate moments in a person's life.We also developed a program to help children deal with grief (the children themselves named it Griefbusters). Within a year after my training, the deaths began in my own family. In eight years I watched or helped more than a hundred people I knew through their deathings. Thirty-nine of them were my closest family and friends. One of the closest was murdered and I experienced post traumatic syndrome for two years, barely able to take care of myself (yet still able to be there for others because hospice work has never drained me; it gives more to me than I can give it). I knew even during the deepest grief and at times anger that this too was a gift in disguise. I had had compassion for others in PTS, but until I experienced it directly, I could not truly understand the depth of pain and chaos. And until I trained to help others, I was ill prepared for the surreal amount of deaths approaching my own life. My parents were born in 1896 and 1910 and I was brought up that "any unseemly sounds," one went to one's room. No anger, no grief, and so on. Many of us in hospice believe that stifled emotion and unresolved situations often end up lodged somewhere in the body as illness. We need a safe place and sometimes a safe, understanding person with us where we can release what is imprisoning us. We also say that it takes "a hundred tellings." Most deaths take at least two years for healing and anyone who tells us to get on with our lives has no concept of what we are experiencing. I used to think that the heart never heals from some deaths. I no longer think that. Each of these 39 deaths were unique. Sometimes the pain stayed for years. I asked on the inner for help and much healing and even little miracles have occurred. I know without a doubt that soul is eternal and this physical life is merely a drop in the ocean. From my own experiences, I found, especially with the murder of someone who was like an angel on earth, that in a way, I did not want to come out of that deep grief where the rest of the world seemed far away and unreal (except when people were laughing it almost felt like an affront to my senses). I came to realize, Pugnose, that I still felt close to my loved one while in that deep grief. I finally had to 'return,' because I still have much to do here. The intimate network of which dbrownuu spoke is surely necessary. In my experience, many (if not most) people do not have friends or family who have the capacity to listen, be present, give aid as needed. Those who can are a great gift indeed. Many cannot, due to their own issues, grief, or lack of understanding about death. And most friends want to help in the first month or two and then drift away, not realizing that you may be just then coming out of the numbness into some of the worst pain and depression. Some friends get tired of hearing the same grief over and over, not realizing talking about it is a necessary part of the process. I am not a "professional grief counselor." I give my counseling from the heart. Nevertheless, I believe there is a profound need for this field and I am considering going into it. And obviously I could never have given assistance nor moved through my own portals of loss without my closeness to my higher power and knowledge of the "afterlife." I do not bring my personal belief systems into hospice; I just live by my spiritual code, knowing we are all headed toward the same place whatever our religious beliefs. I do believe we need midwives into the next life as much as we need them into this life. That is what I consider myself to be, a higher plane midwife. I have a suggestion, Pugnose. Sit in a chair with another chair facing you. Just you alone at a time when you feel some peace. If you do not have a place where you feel safe, loved, and serene, visualize somewhere where you might feel so. It might be somewhere you were happy as a child or later in life. Or just your own magical place. See your brother in the other chair and talk with him about all that concerns you, hurts you, leaves you wondering. Ask him your questions. Remember to listen in the silence. I usually sing "huuuu" over and over until I am in that quiet place to do this exercise. You can use hu or anything which will quiet your heart. If you do not hear your answer, keep trying until it comes. Be patient with it and yourself. If it takes days or weeks, it is worth the time. I and others can give guideposts, but only you have the answers within. As you can see, others of us care about you and want all that is good for you. You are not alone. And your brother does hear you. Remember what Jvabean said: "When the wind blows and the leaves do not move, it is a kiss from the afterlife" (or what I call spirit). You have touched my heart, Pugnose, as you have others tonight and I wish we were really in a room together. There is so much to say and listen to. Even if we all were not here for you, you would STILL not be alone. If I could tell you of the times since I was born when what I call Light Beings have watched over me, guided, even protected me, I would. Words are a poor medium. Only through your own open heart, focused intention, and inner trust will your personal experiences evolve. Reach for the highest and it will come to you. Nothing happens for no reason. And we are truly not given more than we can handle (yes, even I through this decade wondered about that one. That is when I remembered a beloved elder telling me as a child that when I was at the end of my rope to tie a knot in it and HANG ON. To keep trusting spirit and ask for help... we have to ask before it can be given. EVERYTHING moves on; nothing is forever. This is a world of change). I have missed working at hospice and I thank you, Pugnose, for the gift of reaching out so that I could offer the tools and resources others have passed on to me. That is what this life is about: passing on the gifts to whoever asks. Remember, your brother is right next to you. All you have to do is open your heart and mind and listen. Know that we are with you too. elfling [This message has been edited by elfling (edited 09-11-2000).] |
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Mkepster New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-11-2000 02:41 PM
 Janet, I lost my 27 year old sister to a brain tumor two years ago I thought I could handel the pain on my own. But until the show last night I didnt know how much her death STILL affects me. I weep every time I here of a young life taken short and think of her at every milestone she's missed. This second year IS the hardest, I lost my best friend and confidant she was two years younger than me and she was given the dignity to die at home. I am so proud of the way my parents did everything in there power to make her dying as comfortable as possible and with the help of hospice and the Catholic church she was comfortable mentally, phically as well as spiritually when she passed. I don't think I have come to grips with the fact that my loving, beautiful and talented sister will not share in my life as a phisical being but that my daughter is missing out on knowing her wonderful Aunt. As for the afterlife I know for a fact that my sister is makeing beautiful music with all of her heros. Every time I hear a French horn play I feel at peace with the world and here on earth I have an Angel named Amanda. |
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pugnose56 Member Posts: 4 |
posted 09-11-2000 07:49 PM
You said a couple of things that really struck a chord with me. One of them was addressed by the pediatrician who died of cancer. He said, (and I'm paraphrasing and extrapolating to a degree) that he believed that it is God's will for us to struggle, that struggling is an indicator of a true relationship with God...something to that effect. You mentioned your husband and how I reminded you of him 35 years ago, how you found evidence of his relationship with God after his death...I agree with you that if one has an "argument", or more accurate to my own experience, cognitive dissonance, as to the existence of God, one has a connection to God and therefore cannot be an atheist. I am far from an atheist but not far from the definition of an agonostic. I simply don't adhere to any one religion, which makes the death of a loved one more complicated because I have no set framework in place to help me make sense of death, or life, for that matter. Getting back on track here, you also spoke of nature being a place to find your loved one. Yes, that resonates with me to a tee. Nature is God manifested, as far as I can tell. Nature, and the love of it, was one thing my brother and I shared without even speaking it. It was felt through the marrow of our bones perhaps, or some other means probably. All I know for sure is that we had that in common beyond any doubt. At any rate, I thank you for your thoughts. You warmed my heart.
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cdrury New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-11-2000 09:14 PM
AFter watching the prroam last night, and again tonight, then reading letters on this topic.....I am still in tears. My father died Oct 14, 1999. Almost one year has passed and I cannot "get on with life" as I am continually told to do. He was ill for 5 years with a rare respiratory disease. He was ready to go and very much at peace, I hope. My mother has terminal cancer of the liver and has told me repeatedly that dad was ready to go and was at peace. I believe her and love her more than anything. To the point that I cannot go one day without going to see her or talking to her on the phone. She recently had her 3rd cancer surgery, (I hope the last). and I have been the caregiver from the start. I am her oldest child and her health surrogate. After watching just this show, I am fearful of my sanity when the time does come to enforce her last wishes. I still cry every day about my dad. My husband lost his father many years ago, and tries to comfort me, but I am almost at the point of no return. I am so gald that someone has decided to broach the subject of death and grief for the living. It is long overdue. I cannot talk to anyone. I ahve babbled enough. I will let someone else talk for awhile. Thank you for your time. |
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Doug Simmons New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-11-2000 11:12 PM
[QUOTE]Originally posted by Jvabean: [B]The show this evening was stirring. I identified with the wife of the dying doctor who felt like she was in a car going down a hill with no breaks and no way to stop it. I, too, was struck by this description. About 16 months ago my 46 year old wife of 26 years died. She had been recovering from surgery to remove a benign but life-threatening tumor when she developed a form of encephalitis. She waved goodbye to me one night when it was time for me to leave the ICU, and then slipped into a coma overnight. Almost three weeks later she suffered a cerebral hemorrhage and was declared brain dead. The phrase I used in those days to describe my existance was "the roller coaster to hell." I had thought the month-long ride from discovery of the tumor through the surgery to remove it was bumpy, but it turned out to be a kiddie-coaster compared to the last 3 weeks of my wife's life. I found myself apologizing to the staff at times because I was so demanding, but I was doing all I could to fight for her life. It took them four days to figure out why she was in a coma, and by then the damage was done. Ultimately, her death was the best possible outcome given the situation, as she could have remained for months or years on a ventilator in a coma at a nursing home. Even if she had awakened, the doctors felt that she would have severe impairments at best. My biggest regret is that she slipped away into the coma and from life without me being able to tell her how much she meant to me. Well, I told her, and I hope she heard me, but I'll never know.... The one thing I have learned above all is that there is only one way to make it through the "valley of the shadow," and that is by putting one foot in front of the other and trudging on. Faith is an immense help. Friends and family who give support are wonderful. But when it comes down to the nitty-gritty of it all...we either sit down where we are and wait for the shadow to overwhelm us, or we keep on putting that one foot in front of the other until we reach that point where the valley has widened out again and the shadows no longer loom over us. At least, not so closely as before... [This message has been edited by Doug Simmons (edited 09-11-2000).] |
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Neva Elks Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-11-2000 11:32 PM
I have forced myself to watch these shows hoping to find some closure to my father's death 4 yrs ago from cancer. He was diagnosed, went thru chemo & radiation and was in remission for 2 years; then it came back. He was told the treatment alone could kill him, so he decided he wanted to just go home and die without all the heroic efforts. The only thing is, when he got too sick to sit up in his recliner anymore, the hospital bed was brought it and he remained in the bedroom. My mom and was his caretaker and at the very end they brought in hospice care. Even though I went every weekend (I live about an hour away), I never saw my father. We usually stayed outside or talked in hushed tones in the living room or kitchen. The next to the last time I saw him, he was weak, in pain, and had lost a lot of weight. He was a big strapping man that I had feared for most of my life. It just happened that the day before he died, I went into his bedroom. I have never been able to get that picture out of my mind. There he lay, shrunken, skin and bones, and with a faraway look in his eyes. I ran out of the room and into the bathroom, grabbed a towel out of the cabinet and just screamed and cried. I left the house immediately afterwards, and got a phone call at work the next morning that he had died. I drove home in a daze, and to this day I am having trouble accepting the whole thing. I didn't really grieve for a while. Like I said, its been 4 years and now I have sunk into a depression so deep that I am unable to function. I am on a leave of absence from work and don't leave my house unless my husband (bless his big heart!) drags me out to eat or to a movie. I don't like being around people at all. I have even quit going to church. I sleep all day and stay up all night. Thankfully, I am now seeing a therapist, but I have a long way to go. Has anyone else had a reaction close to this? I haven't visited my father's gravesite since the funeral and I refuse to talk about him with my sisters or my mother. |
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pugnose56 Member Posts: 4 |
posted 09-11-2000 11:57 PM
Just so you know, elfing, I did send you a very long and well thought out reply. The problem is that I don't see it recorded here on this chat line. DAMMIT! I'm too tired to repeat it unless you really want to know.
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ccaptainkarin Member Posts: 3 |
posted 09-12-2000 12:15 AM
quote: It may be hard to believe but there are others who are faceing or have faced the same or simaluar problems you face now. My dad died 6 yrs ago from a cancer with no name. Or as the doctors said they could not find the primary cancer so there was no real treatment. He was told he had cancer by me and he was told that he was termminal by me . After an emergency surgey to his spine to relieve pressure on his legs we were told that his cancer was a very aggressive type and he would be paralized. My dad came home with me to die. My husband was afarid this was not the right time and place for our children to learn of death. But as the weeks wnet by we all learned home is the best place to be when your loved one is dieing. My dad dies one month after comeing home. I was holding his hand and he died peacefuly.My husband said that day that if anything ever happend to him he wanted the same thing my dad had. His family with him and me by his side. One year later my husband was told he had colon cancer and that it haad spread to his liver. He had two major operations in a period of three weeks to remove his cancer. radition treatments, chemo,we had one year of true hope and than the new it was back now in his lungs, another surgey more chemo and after all that it came again. through all this our family grew closer and our young teeenageers turned into young adults. they learned to put other first and to be patient.I'm proud to say my husband and I have three great kids. His condition didn't get better and the cancer continued to grow. Last March 1999 we were told our only hope was experimental drugs. We tried a few only one helped to slow down the cancer. That drug eventually made him sicker than the cancer and everything was stopped. This past March 2000 almost a year to when we were told there was nothing more to help. His cancer was very aggressive. We talked about all the things you are facing with your mother and weather I could take control when he was not able to make his own deceison. He had a faith in me that I just knew I'd do the right thing for him and follow his wishes. I relived my dads death often before I had to face my husbands.I'm glad he was home with us and like my father my husband died holding my hand and he had a peace I wish I could explain to you. I'm no supper woman and I cry often I miss my husband very much he was and is my very best friend. We cried together over the four years we fought his cancer,but somehow there was always that ray of hope even when the facts are against it. Death is final, greif is not . One of the last thing my husband did was to make a video tape for our oldeest son.He was afraid he would die before our son could get home from eroupe. In that tape he says don't make your mother crazy she has enough on her plate and she is going to have alot of her own problems. I love her very much. Now how can a person not respect this mans wishes. So I give you all my support and respect I truly feel you can do what is nessary when the time comes. |
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DrHolly Member Posts: 3 |
posted 09-12-2000 07:49 AM
I am impressed by the depth of the responses posted in this discussion. As a social work professor with 20 years of experience in clinical social work, I conducted a bereavement group this summer for families who had lost a loved one. It was a very powerful and moving experience. I also lost my mother a year and a half ago and have realized that I have just begun to grieve. The program last night brought to light the commonality of the grief experience. I would encourage anyone coping with issues of death, dying and bereavement to consider attending a bereavement group. Family members don't always come together around the death of a loved one--sometimes the death of a loved one accentuates the unique differences among family members. Sometimes, family members are too close to be able to talk openly to each other. It can be very valuable to connect with others who share a similar experience without being related to them. In the bereavement group I facilitated this summer, group members formed a very powerful bond with each other in a very short amount of time. Grief is an ongoing growth experience that doesn't begin and end in a prescribed amount of time. We need to talk much more about this issue and educate ourselves about the process of dying and the normalcy of the grief experience. |
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Marti New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-12-2000 09:04 AM
These shows have been so enlightening. I have in the last year lost several friends and acquaintances, of various causes, and I felt myself falling into what i call, a "funk" about it. Was becoming tired of the funerals, the wakes, etc. Then, on July 30th of this year, the love of my life passed away at age 40 from liver failure. We were together for seven years and had broken up because of his heavy drinking. But, we always remained in touch and in the last year, had somewhat reunited, spending some weekends together, etc. My son, who is 18, has always loved this man and revered him as his father and he absolutely earned that title. But, the drinking was still a problem. ON my birthday, July 18, I spoke to my love on the phone and he sounded very ill. He told me his eyes were yellow and he was weak. I contacted the paramedics in his area (I am a couple hours away) and they took him to the hospital. They began detox for a week but then he fell into a drug-induced coma. Once the doctors determined that his liver was completely failed, they explained that it was just a matter of time. My son and I spent every moment with him in the ICU, talking to him, touching him, crying over him, reading to him, whatever we could do. This went on for days. Then, the family decided to take him off of the vent and it was another night that he survived, passing on Sunday morning, with my son holding him ever so tightly. My son and I are absolutely devastated. No other death has affected me this way. I cannot go a minute without thinking of him; alive and well, as well as sickly and hooked up to machines. It's not just the fact that he's gone, but having seen him pass away. That is not something I have ever experienced. My son and I are going through some many emotions together. My son is afraid of losing me. He's worried that he'll have to make decisions regarding my care and won't be able to do it. It's good in that we're talking about it and trying to make some decisions now, but we are both grieving so much. It's difficult for both of us to function and he has such a bright future ahead of him. He wanted so badly to grow up in front of this man and become something for him. I appreciate this show and all that it's addressing. It hurts immensely to watch, but I want badly to watch it. I need to realize that what I'm feeling is perfectly normal and perhaps learn ways to deal with it. "it's only when a heart breaks in two, that true grace can make it's way through...." Blessed be to all of you... |
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calamonte New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-12-2000 07:41 PM
To cdrury; My father has terminal cancer at age 57. It hasn't taken over yet, but it's like a time bomb just waiting to go off. He was on meds for a while but they were going to kill him faster than the cancer. The worst thing is trying to support my mom. She just lost her mother (my grandmother) Dec 1999 from Alzheimer's. I can't imagine how she can deal with all this. She has been a nonstop caregiver for the last 4 years, between her mother and husband. We talk alot but I know she's barely holding up the brick wall that's always threatening to tumble down over her. She and my dad go to counseling to help them work through this. We've also had an idiot doctor to deal with. My dad's cancer is VERY rare and this local doctor is treating him like a lab rat. We tried to get this guy to coordinate with our doctor at the Mayo clinic but this guy's arrogance got the better of him. I can't understand how someone can get to be an oncologist and have no clue as to "bedside manner". Thanks for the time. Collene |
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kendal New Member Posts: 1 |
posted 09-12-2000 10:23 PM
Thank you all for sharing your stories/your pain/your hearts. This PBS series and this forum are very helpful to me as I face my father's impending death. He is dying of lung cancer. What makes it so difficult is that we are so far apart. He and most of my family are in Oregon while I and my wife and son live across the country. The distance is so hard to deal with. As I watched the program last night, seeing the families deal daily with the dying, the death and the grieving _together_, I realized I was envious of them. Yes, in some ways, the distance makes it easier in that Dad's dying is not constantly before me. Yet the distance also makes it harder. I do not get to be an intimate part of my father's dying. Besides all the expected feelings of guilt for not being there to help and give support, I also (unexpectedly) feel a terrible sadness for what I am losing by not being a close part of the process. I call them frequently and hope to make a couple more trips out there soon. But it is not the same. I feel more an observer than a participant. I welcome your experiences and wisdom on dealing with death from a distance. |
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egginatree Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-13-2000 12:14 AM
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Jvabean Member Posts: 2 |
posted 09-13-2000 02:06 AM
Kendall, I know about the distance thing. My mother is two states away. I fly down to help and to choose the next steps as they come. From a distance I cry, I feel guilt at being so far, I feel I am missing so much. I also know I am doing my best by her even as she is dying in that I am involved financially, emotionally and when I can - physically. Most certainly I am involved spiritually as I cling to God for the grace and wisdom for each step in this process. I help my sister who lives by mom by making appointments and getting information pertinent to the issues that we experience and will in the future. How do I handle it? It isn't easy. It hurts, I am human and I cry. Probably not as often as I should (the crying part). I also realized that with grief counseling I could explore underlying issues that I had thought long gone only to be shocked by how they were triggered by her impending death. Things like regrets. What I didn't learn that I wanted to from her. The level of closeness that I always wanted but eluded me because of the illness in her for so long. So you have a right to your feelings. No one will understand just how you feel. The key for me has been counseling to walk through this impending death and the grief it stirs in me now. For the ways I mourn each loss of her all over again. It has been in learning to grieve and accept what I have fought so hard not too. And knowing that in the deepest parts of me that it is my best at this time - what I am doing. The key in my case anyway was to admit to myself that I wasn't getting anywhere in my grief. It began to take over and I grew more and more depressed and experienced panic attacks. Since I began counseling for this grief in January I have had only one attack. I am understanding the process better and finding hope instead of despair. I will still watch her die. Possibly more of my siblings and friends from this disease. I guess that is a mouthful but it's how I have made it so far. My best to you and your family. Julie/Washington State |
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