I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York
Publisher: Chronicle Books
Publication Date: June 2011
It’s summertime in New York City. The days are longer. The nights are wilder. The backs are sweatier. We’re living the dream here, as long as your definition of “the dream” includes a sweaty, disgusting back.
Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself, though. There are a few things you should know.
First, I’m the co-author of a recently published book called “I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York.”
Second, since some people take the word “neutral” to mean “negative,” you should know that right now, I live in Queens. Also, I moved here after writing that book.
(Where, exactly, in Queens I’d prefer not to say, because I’m afraid people there may be angry with me for making fun of it in an internationally distributed paperback. I’ve never been in a fistfight before, but I can only assume it would end with me, huddled in the fetal position, softly weeping. And no one wants to see that. Especially not me. Especially not later, on Facebook, in photos taken by an angry Queens-based mob.)
Click on a photo below to see excerpts from “I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York.”
Q. Where does it go?
A. Everywhere!
Q. How much does it cost?
A. Relatively little!
Q. What’s that smell?
A. Urine!
PROS: It can get you anywhere for only two dollars. Honestly, that is a totally reasonable amount of money to pay to get all over the place. Neat.
CONS: We saw a rat on an L train. In the actual train car. We think it may have been going to work. Where did this particular rat work, you ask? On the J train.
CONCLUSION: It’s got problems, but we still use it.
Never, New York? Not ever? Really?
Hmm.
Wait, are you sure? You’re saying you never, ever sleep?
That just seems like a crazy thing to say. We don’t want to beat a dead horse, here, but you’re saying you never sleep, you’ve never slept, and you never will sleep? That’s what you’re saying?
Like, not even when you’re really, really tired? Or when you’ve got something important to do the next day and you want to make sure you’re on the ball and looking fresh?
Okay, what about after a big meal? You’re telling us with a straight face that you don’t get sleepy after a big ol’ turkey din-din? No? Well, that just seems bonkers, to be honest. It seems like we exist in two totally different realities. Because in this reality over here—in this non-bonkers reality over here—first you have turkey-time, then you have nappy-time. It’s a whole . . . thing.
So you never sleep, huh?
Well, it sounds like somebody’s going to be a cwanky city in the mowning.
PROS: There’s always something to do.
CONS: It’s always happening right outside your window.
CONCLUSION: Just drink some warm milk and take a nap, New York. You don’t have to prove anything to us.
God, we love New York pizza. Yum yum yummers. Yummity yim yams.
Right? Of course. But now that we’re thinking about it, you know what New York pizza reminds us of? It reminds us of every pizza, everywhere. Tampa pizza. Des Moines pizza. Albuquerque pizza. You know why? As it turns out, pizza is just cheese and sauce on top of bread.
We know what you’re thinking: “No, it’s not.”
But our point is: “Yes, it is. It absolutely is.”
And we can prove it. With science. And cheese. And sauce. And more science. And some bread.
Here’s our experiment: Give us a blindfold, a slice of cheese pizza from Brooklyn, and another from Guam. You honestly won’t know the difference. Honestly.
Case closed. If you don’t believe that, you don’t believe in science.
PROS: All pizza, everywhere, is really, really delicious. Yim yum.
CONS: New York pizza is just pizza. And it’s going straight to your hips.
CONCLUSION: (Half-shrug)
There’s no denying that Saturday Night Live is a cultural institution. Seriously, don’t try.
But hey! You know when everybody’s always all, 'You can’t touch those early days of SNL,' and you’re all like, 'Yeah, everything used to be so brilliant and laugh-out-loud funny. It’s a cultural institution!' And then your friend Dave walks into the room, and he’s all like, 'Did I hear you guys talking about my favorite institution of culture: early SNL? It is untouchable. Like that one vase on your top shelf, Marta.' And then Marta’s all, 'Um, that’s an urn.' And then everybody’s silent for a while, including the urn.
But here’s something weird: Have you seen early SNL recently? Take a look. For every solid laugh, there are two or three or thirteen sketches that just end with a coked-up Chevy Chase bumbling his lines and taking a spill and permanently injuring his back. Nostalgia has its place, sure.
But let’s call it like it is and say the show’s always had its ups and downs.
We’ll keep watching, yes, but only because it’s on.
PROS: Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Phil Hartman, Amy Poehler.
CONS: Joe Piscopo, Chris Kattan, Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri.
CONCLUSION: Pretty okay.
Our “I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York” book started out in 2006 as a t-shirt with a simple parody of Milton Glaser’s famous 1977 logo that my writing partner, Jory John, created for our website, bigstonehead.net. Chronicle Books saw the shirt and asked us if we could turn it into a book about why, exactly, New York is so great, except for all the times when it’s really more of a complete hassle. We jumped straight onto a plane from SFO to JFK and then jumped into a taxi where the cabby told us to stop jumping so much. His taxi had a strict no-jumping policy, apparently, which we adhered to as best we could.
The sixteenth tallest free-standing structure in the world. That's pretty tall! Photo courtesy of Chronicle Books.
In an exhausting marathon of tourism and bickering, we visited all of New York’s shining jewels, from the Empire State Building (pretty tall!) to the Statue of Liberty (pretty green!), taking notes on the pluses and minuses of each (neither tall enough nor green enough.) We visited Katz’s Delicatessen, which we decided was a perfect place to eat, as long as your only desire for a restaurant is that it was once featured in a Rob Reiner movie. We visited Times Square, which was (spoiler alert!) big and crowded and overwhelming. Yes, we did it all.
Interestingly, I left our fact-finding mission feeling pretty positive about New York, while Jory felt worse about it, overall. I liked it so much, I decided to move here. Jory disliked it so much, he decided to never speak to me again. (Just kidding. (Sort of.)) But do the math! One impressed co-author plus one disappointed co-author averages out to two relatively neutral co-authors!
Please be careful, Construction Workers Eating Lunch on Beams of Skyscrapers With No Harnesses or Anything. Think of your children. Photo courtesy of Chronicle Books.
The question I’ve been asked over and over since moving here is: Do I stand by the book’s sentiment as an official resident of New York City? Do I still feel relatively neutral? Or will there be a forthcoming sequel called, “Just Kidding. I Take It All Back. Will You Ever Forgive Me, NY?”
My answer: Yes and no. It’s a huge, beautiful, messy city that can swallow you whole, for better or worse. Anything you could ever dream of is currently happening here, and it’s probably only a subway stop away. There is a certain magic to the city, no doubt about it, especially when David Copperfield’s in town and ESPECIALLY when he’s making Lady Liberty disappear.
And although I’m ashamed to admit it, that Jay Z/Alicia Keys song about New York really gets me going. At the same time, lighten up, New York! There are other totally lovely places all over the world. Other cities make delicious pizza and bagels. Other cities have thriving arts scenes. And if you can’t take a joke about your city, then it’s not worth a damn. Sorry for the language. I just get worked up over this.
Now I’m sort of in the mood for a fistfight. You hear me, Queens?!
Avery Monsen is a writer, artist and actor in Queens, N.Y. He’s the co-author of Pirate’s Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers, All My Friends Are Dead and, most recently, I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York. Follow him on Twitter at @averymonsen.
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